by Alan McSpestos
As I walked around the fields in Nevada, the scale and scope overwhelmed me. Or possibly it was the desert heat and ludicrous humidity of the greenhouse I was in. I was at the farm of Mr. Harington Jupps, the grower of the now infamous Gun Trees. These are trees, sixteen to seventeen feet tall that grow guns. All sorts of varieties of guns are grown, from small Berettas and glocks to massive artillery. It is an industry that brings Mr. Jupps billions of dollars a year, and which governments are telling us is making the world a safer place. But is this true?
Mr. Jupps was rightly very guarded in his responses to my questions. When I asked him where he got the idea, he threatened to shoot me. When I asked if he thought more guns was a good idea, he threatened to shoot me. When I suggested I was a hard-arse Glaswegian and held a broken bottle to his scrawny gun-reliant neck, he told me he needed guns to protect the world from people like me, and given my actions at the time, he likely had a decent point. As the world gets more unsafe, we need increased unsafety to make it safer, this is apparent. The gun trees have stimulated the local economy, provided jobs and only indirectly led to the deaths of 8,435,983 people – A small price to pay for safety.
Since the gun trees started yielding, global life expectancy has dropped 35 years, a clear sign that extra safety, and thus these guns are needed. I am from Glasgow so I know what trouble looks like. Since Scotland imported Jupp’s gun tree guns there has been an estimated 12,000% increase in gun related incidents – Proof that the guns were needed, and that trouble is rife, hence why we need guns.
“When I first started growing, we had terrorists killing maybe zero to five people annually in this state. Since my guns came to market, we’ve had over 15,000 terrorists killed per month, it shows that it’s working.” said Jupps.
The state of Nevada opened their Department of Terrorist Identification not long after the guns arrived in stores and their figures suggest that 99% of people shot are terrorists. It is scary to think how prevalent extremism is.
But it is not just the rampant terrorism these guns are helping to fight. They are helping keep streets clear of a menace that has been problematic for millennia – The demon weed, marijuana.
“They got these terrible plants now, tall and broad and budding all the time, they’re not natural, someone fiddled with the genetics and grew them in a lab. These are manmade marijuana plants and they have been doing damage to our children, our churches and our society.” Were the words of Reverend Luke Siffer of the Christian Ministry of St. Marley the Mellow, and his staunch anti-drugs rhetoric is clear evidence, if any was needed, that drugs are definitely evil.
“We estimate there to be between 20 and 50 thousand kilos of this man made marijuana in circulation at any given time. The effects it has are an immediate energy that quickly turns into a relaxed apathy, with a lack of worries and cares, a better ability to hyperthink situations and advanced problem formation with no increased capacity to solve it, increased likelihood to disbelieve in the power and majesty of the economy, and feelings of mistrust or disrespect towards authorities. These are the founding tenets of extremist beliefs and the profile of dangerous terrorists. Jupp’s Organic All-Natural Guns have helped us confiscate over three tons of this dangerous stuff, as well as killing over 400,000 involved terrorists.” So said leader of the Global Narcotics Undesirables Taskforce (GNUT) Senator Bluto Varsity.
Thanks to people like Senator Varsity, Mr. Jupp and Reverend Siffer, the world will continue to become a safer place. Global populations are falling and harmony is rising. Once quiet communities that had become loud and obnoxious are now quiet alleyways and empty streets. Where people once walked, only birds chirp and dwell. What better demonstration of safety and security. People could leave their doors unlocked without fear. They don’t, because of the fear of terrorists, or that they are terrorists and will be shot. That’s how the world is made safer against dangerous terrorism and the growing plight of drug madness. The world is not what it used to be before Jupps, it’s much safer now there are more guns.