by Willow Leathers
Indian cricket sensation and man too young and handsome to be that talented, Virat Kohli, announced the amazing secrets to his current good run of form at a press conference today.
“I work hard, I train hard, I often find myself hitting things with other things in the course of the day, just for the practice. I was at a market the other week, a tomato fell off a stall and I smashed it for six with a small plank of broken wooden pallet I found on the ground. I like to spend so much time in the nets that people keep joking that I’m a suicidal fish.” Said the 27 year old, “but really, the biggest secret to my success is powdered Tendulkar bat.”
Yes, Royal Challengers Bangalore and India superstar Virat Kohli takes two capsules a day filled with the powdered remains of cricket God Sachin Tendulkar’s bats.
“Everyone in India knows that Sachin is imbued with magical powers,” the T20 captain continued, “and those powers transferred to his bat in the course of play. We grind them up, put them in pills and I am taking two a day. Since I have been doing so, I keep smashing it.”
We will not be reporting the findings of the medical council or the studies by various universities or the famous huge metastudy that suggest ground Tendulkar bat is no more effective than placebo and has no confirmed efficacy as a cricket performance enhancer and will instead inform you that Tendulkar capsules are available from Netherland and Cloud health food shops.
“The real deal, though,” said Kohli, “Is his magic golden underpants. I hear Chris Gayle accidentally touched the fabric in a locker room encounter with Sachin and now he rules the universe.”
UPDATE 20/05/2016: Jonny Bairstow seems to be the latest of cricket’s current cream of the crop to confirm his taking of Tendulkar’s special supplements.
“I couldn’t have hit my ton today if it weren’t for tiny fragments of Tendulkar’s magic bats keeping my shot selection sharp and my reflexes cat like. England and Headingly owe a great debt to the Little Master.” Bairstow told our reporters.