It’s Elementary – Overwrought Irons in Name Change Scandal

by Alan McSpestos

Jeremy Irons is a much loved and respected Great British thespian. Known for his award winning star turns in Die Hard with a Vengeance, The Lion King and Dungeons & Dragons, Jeremy has of late been in trouble.

Dissatisfied with his lot in life as a man with the name of an element, a recent bout of deed poll crime has cast his good reputation in doubt. Jeremy Irons has been caught changing the names of other celebrities, groups or things into elements.

“I just wanted others to understand the responsibility placed on me as a representative of the element Iron on this Earth. I want all of us to accept this responsibility of protecting those fundamental materials that make us all. Life is not about work or money or things, it’s about that which makes us all.” The venerated actor told me in an interview today.

However Hydrogene Wilder said “It’s irresponsible of Jeremy to assume we all want or can handle this responsibility. I have to be the most abundant element in the universe. How can I speak on behalf of so many atoms? What about youngsters like Selenium Gomez or Geordie idiots like Antimony and Decopernicium?”

One thing is for sure, unless the legal teams can sort things out we have a few interesting weeks of celebrity news.

For his mischief, Irons now faces a lengthy jail sentence of fourteen and a half minutes.

“Maybe by doing this,” Irons, 146 years old, said “People will have a bit more respect for the natural majesty that forms the stuff of which we are made. They will respect themselves, the world and our environment a bit more.”

He may have a point, but is changing the names of things really the way to go about it? We shall find out in the future as we witness the fallout from this.


Those name changes in full;

Star of The Hangover and part time twisted sniper Bradley Copper.

Welsh starlet and sex symbol Catherine Zinca Jones.

Kill Bill bride Ununoctium Thurman

LA based Irish-American punk bank Flogging Molybdenum

Manchester born and bred MMA fighter Michael ‘The Count’ Bismuth

Ali G and Borat comedy character actor Sacha Boron Carbon

Willy Wonka superstar Hydrogene Wilder

Princess Garnet til Alexandros lookalike Selenium Gomez

Cheeky Geordie TV presenters Antimony and Decopernicium

Late lead singer of Nirvana Kurt Cobalt

British comedy sensation Stephen Manganese

Magician and sceptic duo Penn and Tellurium

Former jailbait and star of Kick Ass Chlorine Grace Moretz

Uppity transphobic bitch Germanium Greer

Renowned fictional detective Sherlock Holmium

UK musical sensations Flerovium and the Machine

Deceased lead singer of Queen and notorious hedonist Freddie Mercury (this didn’t really need changing, Jeremy…)

Disgraced leg-breaky MMA doper Anderson ‘The Spider’ Silver

Legendary American writer John Tungstenbeck

Verbose talented rapper Technetium n9ne

Homoerotic TV series Xenon: Warrior Princess

Golden Earring classic drive tune Radon Love

Star of just about everything and iCloud flasher Oxygennifer Lawrence

And finally; Persistent Arsenal manager Arsenic Wenger.

Do you have any funny famous element combos? Tweet them to us @terminalcontext with the hashtag #ElementaryCelebrity.


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