Revenge of the 90s

by Miles Jones Jr.

When people started rocking up to the clubs in the 90s with flared jeans, and the disco-dance craze brought back mainstays like the BeeGees and Cher, no one could have imagined how seemingly organic the cyclic nature of fashions and trends would be. Now, however, we have a greater understanding of such things, and as I see tight lycra leggings exchanged for baggy canvas combat pants, and the neon loose-fit tees replaced by casual cotton tank tops one has to ask the question, is the 90s back?

From video game fashions of retro-pixel puzzle platformers, to football clubs like Leicester doing well, it is clear that what the 90s had to offer, we now like very much. We have had the 70s return, space hoppers and retro and pop rockz all had their return. We then saw a resurgence of 80s mainstay sport, skateboarding, along with a desire to listen to bland electronic pop music and admire people who are mostly on skag. Now, it’s back to ecstasy, Spliffy jeans and a misguided belief that the TV series Friends is in any way remotely good. But what can we expect next?

Yoyos have already made their comeback, of course, albeit conceptually, as the Conservative government continues to come down hard on their promises, only to rebound, U-turn and go back on all of them because it turns out they might just be vaguely evil. But pretty soon I expect to see children walking the dog and rocking the cradle whilst playing with their yoyos. Cue controversy as school’s ban them, and then the Daily Mail blaming political correctness gone mad and suggesting it’s because migrant kids do not know enough about our proud, historical Yoyo culture and how to avoid getting hit in the face with them.

The ill fated return of the Gladiator’s TV series, in which people who think steroids are candy are made to compete against people who espouse the glories of jogging in a competition of killing each other softly using giant earbuds or handheld versions of those mats you used to put out in school for PE, has sadly put an end to the potential return of that 90s classic. A shame really, I hear Ulrika Johnson could use the money.

In the 90s we had the return of old time diseases, Scarlet Fever and measles and mumps as new age knitted-tampon wearing mothers refused to let their children get vaccinated. That style, apparently, shows no signs of abating. In the 2000s we have already had retro classic diseases like flu see a comeback – so very 1918 kitsch. AIDS has had a good run, with peaks and troughs in popularity since the 80s but what I am expecting for this era of fashion is a return of the old mainstay Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, and the Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease that comes with it. Yes, Miles’ predicts a fashionable return of BSE and CJD. Expect Lady GaGa to come out soon in admission of having the illness, probably from eating a £4,500 Waygu cow’s brain sushi in some Okinawa fish palace.

And of course, who can forget Irish violence. Yes, indeed, after many years of so-called peace it seems some of our brethren from the Northern part of Britain’s backpack have taken to not liking the Queen or government. The thing is, this time, we feel much the same.

Long live Brit Pop, Sunny Delight, Katrina and the Waves, Things Can Only Get Better, CJD, Ban Live Exports and ecstasy tablets. Long live the 90s.

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