In the High as a Kite Garden

by Billy McStuffing

In news that has shocked the children’s entertainment world more than when Mr. Maker’s busy hands were accused of molestation (innocent of all charges, by the way) Iggle Piggle of ‘In the Night Garden’ has been arrested on suspicion of possession of drugs with intent to supply. Indeed, a whistleblower at CBeebies suggests the big blue creature has been running the BBCs drugs ring for years.

Oft have us adult minded gazed at the surreal colourful visions depicted to infants on television and wondered “were they on drugs when they made this?” and now, with these revelations, it appears the answer is yes. When police searched Mr. Piggle’s seaside home in Brighton, they discovered 14 kg of uncut heroin, 2,345 ecstasy pills, 30 kg of marijuana, 18 kg of cocaine and, for reasons best not discussed, an awful lot of LSD suppositories. But Iggle is just the ringleader of a gang of pushers and users, according to our whistleblower.

“I was a happy-go-lucky media graduate when I came to work in children’s telly. I loved kids and it seemed like a perfect fit. Nothing at the interview suggested anything untoward, but when I came to work here I was told if I wasn’t addicted to heroin I would be fired. Of course I desperately needed the job so I did what anyone would do and immediately asked where to get some horse so I could shoot up in the lavvy. Everyone directed me to Iggle Piggle.” At this point, the whistleblower cried and so we walked away, uncomfortable.

“I don’t think anything can prepare you for the sight of Iggle Piggle clutching a baseball bat beating the crud out of John Humphrys’ knees, but that’s just what happened. The nation’s beloved presenter of Mastermind was being savaged by a blue kids show character. It was surreal.” So said Noel Edmunds, who had his own struggles with costumed demons as Mr. Blobby became more popular than he was because he was a bit of a tool.

The true extent of the wake left by Iggle Piggles crime wave has yet to be revealed. The trial begins Thursday and we shall know more then. One thing, though, is clear. Between the historic sex abuse scandal and now this, can licence payers be sure that Sir David Attenborough is not the criminal mastermind behind the BBCs biggest crimes, like paedophilia, drug dealing and Mrs. Browns Boys? We will surely find out.

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