by Vince Protial
Residents of Nuneaton have been advised by local authorities to remain in their homes and secure all entrances and exits after a sudden outbreak of Deinonychus.
Deinonychus is a genus of carnivorous dinosaur from the early Cretaceous period probably most well known from the book, and subsequent movie adaptation, Jurassic Park – where, for dramatic effect, they were given the name of the Velociraptor.
Thankfully there have only been isolated incidents of people being hunted and violently disembowelled and eaten, and that’s mostly elderly folk so that’s good for the herd as well as the welfare budget. However, there is a danger that as the weak and frail get picked off, the deinonychus will eventually turn their sights to those of us who aren’t so Darwinianly challenged and are of economic value, and it is for this reason a curfew is in place.
The council estimates the outbreak to last approximately 65 million years, so in the meantime residents are advised to watch telly and order their food online until it all blows over.
UPDATE: While the dinosaurs have not been removed from Nuneaton, and whilst the majority of the human population of the town is now dead from being eaten, the dinosaurs have at least formed a peaceful, functioning society. Dino Doris now runs the post office and you can head over to Dino Dave’s Café for a slap up dino breakfast consisting mainly of raw meat, mostly human.
Nuneaton has now become a rare and unique visitor spot for anyone interested in dinosaur life, and the Deinonychus History Centre will teach you everything you need to know about our lizard-brained, murderous friends. Be sure to leave before dark, and don’t walk in tall grass.